


infinity

by niamsmuffin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, I don't know, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 10:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4872775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamsmuffin/pseuds/niamsmuffin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this was supposed to be about the writing of infinity, but it turned into something more</p>
            </blockquote>





	infinity

Niall laid on his bunk in the tour bus listening to Liam and Sophia giggling in the main room. Despite how big the bus was, the couple was still being so loud he could hear them from his bunk. He wanted so badly to get up and ask them to be quiet, but Niall was far too nice to do that.

Instead he laid in the bed and suffered through the obnoxious giggles of Sophia. Niall had always wondered how Liam was happy with her. He couldn’t see past the blind love that she was manipulating and selfish and a gold digger. Niall wanted to tell him these things, but he refrained because he didn’t want to hurt Liam. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he hurt Liam.

Maybe Niall was a bit biased, though, because he loved Liam. He loved Liam so much he stayed up most nights unable to sleep, wondering if the older boy was truly happy where he was. Niall was always worrying about Liam, whether he actually showed his worries or not. He worried about Liam’s increase in drinking yet again and he worried if Liam was truly losing weight as it appeared. He worried if the man he loved was slowly falling back into the shell he was years ago and wondering why Sophia, if she truly loved him, was doing nothing about it.

Niall felt a tear slip out of his eye and he pushed his feelings back yet again as he heard Liam laugh loudly. Surely if he had held his feelings back for the past five years he can hold them another five, right?

He nearly snorted out a laugh at this. He would sooner fall apart before he held this secret any longer.

-

The studio was one of Niall’s all time favorite places. He rather liked being alone in the studio with Julian and left alone to their own devices. He liked being able to fool around until he actually came up with song ideas. And Julian was the only one he had confessed to about his feelings for Liam a year or so back, and the man was always willing to help him write songs about Liam.

Unfortunately, Liam was always the one who asked where Niall’s inspirations came from. The younger boy never had an idea on what to say to these questions, so he normally just waved them off as Julian giving him ideas, of which the other man went along with. He couldn’t, of course, tell Liam that the songs were about him. That would practically be suicide.

“So, what are we writing about today, Nialler?” Julian asked with an excited smile on his face. “You got any Liam dirt for me today?”

“What Liam dirt is there ever?” Niall grumbled with a hopeless laugh. “I’m hopelessly in love with a man who calls me ‘bro’ once every five minutes. No new dirt. Although I might have a few ideas.”

“Like what?” Julian slid a notepad toward him with a slight smile. “Don’t be afraid to start talking and writing down ideas. You know how this works.”

“Last night,” Niall started, “I was thinking about how I’m always worrying about Liam. It’s slightly insane, but like, I’m always wondering if he’s happy, if he’s okay, things like that. Does that make any sense?”

“It does.” Julian nodded. “Write it down. We’ll come back to that later. How do you feel with you’re with Liam?”

“Amazing,” Niall said with a smile. “You’re going to unleash the beast within me, Jules. You should know better than to ask about Liam around me.” He took a deep breath and collected his thoughts. “Like, the world stops spinning when he’s with me. The moment feels so short but so long at the same time. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s almost like I’m always falling. Infinity is one word to describe it.”

“Sounds like you’re properly in love,” Julian said with a smirk. “Did you write down all of your feelings? We can probably make something out of those.”

And make something out of Niall’s words they did. They wrote an entire song out of it which Niall called, accurately, “Infinity.” Niall was properly in love with the song he had just written and promised to come in again the next day and begin with the band on coming up with music for it.

“We’ll have to show this to the boys,” Julian told him before he left. “I think they’ll love it though. Hopefully this one will make the album. I think it’s great, Nialler, really. You’ve got some amazing songwriting skills.”

“Thanks, Jules,” Niall said before giving him a great hug. “I’m really proud of this one. The best one yet, I think.”

“I think it’s the best one yet, too,” Julian told him. “You go back to your room and have a rest okay? I can tell you need a good cry or something.”

“Or something?” Niall snorted. “I could use a good cry, though. Bye, Jules.”

Niall nearly burst into tears on the way to his room, which was stupid because his room was only five doors down. He was in a room alone, thankfully, so he didn’t have to go sit in the shower and cry. He could easily sit on his bed and sob. 

When he stepped into his hotel room, Niall turned the deadbolt on his door and moved the chain in the slot. At least if anyone came looking for him they wouldn’t be able to get in.

Niall sat down on his bed, turned on his tv, and promptly burst into tears.

-

The other boys seeing the lyrics and hearing the music for “Infinity” was nerve wracking to say the least. Niall was terrified that Liam would ask the one question he was afraid to think of an answer to. He didn’t want to bother to think of an answer to Liam’s ever recurring question: what inspired you to write this? One day Niall wished he would be able to say that Liam was the essence of all the songs Niall wrote.

Harry was the first to applaud Niall after he had seen the lyrics and heard the music put together for the song. “Your songs just keep getting better and better, mate!” he exclaimed with a bright laugh. “Where do these ideas even come from?”

“Just out of my head, I guess. What I wish I had. What I do have. Things like that.” Niall shrugged and gave Harry a half smile. Somehow it was easier to lie to him. He only loved Harry like a brother, and he knew that he wouldn’t be hurt by a lie if he only knew the truth. For a half second, Niall pondered what it would be like having another person on his side.

He quickly shook his head and looked over at Louis and Liam, who were still silently flipping through the sheet music. Niall wanted to ask badly if they liked it, but he felt as if he were on the verge of a panic attack. His hands were shaking and his breath wasn’t as easy as it should have been.

He looked at Louis and tried to find some look of agreement in his face. Niall opened his mouth but couldn’t find any words. Finally, Louis looked up at him and smiled. “So, when are we going to get to recording this thing? I wanna know which solo I have!”

Niall broke out into a nervous grin and then turned his eyes to Liam. He was still staring at the sheet music with a hard look on his face. “D-Do you like it?” he asked softly, hoping Liam would answer him. The older boy looked up at him with an indescribable look on his face. 

“I think I’ll like it more once we record it,” Liam said finally. “I’m not sure how much I like it now. The lyrics are okay, but the music is great. Who did the music?”

Niall’s heart broke at the fact that Liam didn’t like his lyrics. “Oh,” he said in a broken tone. “Okay then. Um, we all did the music. I didn’t help very much, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

“No, Niall, that isn’t what I-” he tried to defend himself, but Niall was having none of it. He quickly waved the older boy off and pushed back his tears. Julian was giving him a concerned look.

“It’s no big deal, Liam,” he said without emotional. “I think I’m just gonna go back to my room, lads, I’m a little tired and my knee is acting up again. See you guys at rehearsal tomorrow.”

Without leaving time for anyone to argue, Niall waved goodbye and left the room before anyone could see the tears pooling in his eyes.

He just made it to his room before the tears started to fall. Niall was ridiculous. He was crying over the fact that Liam didn’t like his song. Of course, it was a song he had written for Liam, so Niall supposed that maybe he had the right to cry a little. Liam didn’t even know the song was for him, but the younger boy doubted the fact that he was in mind when the lyrics were written would change his mind.

A knock on his door knocked Niall out of his self pity mode. “Who is it?” he croaked. He cringed at how bad his voice sounded. At moments like these, Niall couldn’t even see why he was still in One Direction. He sounded horrible.

“Harry,” the younger boy’s deep voice sounded through the door. “Open up, Nialler, I can tell you’re upset. You need to tell someone why. I know what you do.”

“Why should I tell you what’s wrong? Has something changed in the past five years?” Niall’s tone was so harsh even he felt hurt. “I’m sorry, Haz. That was uncalled for.”

“Just let me in, okay?” Harry’s voice remained the same. “I wanna talk to you. Or rather, I want you to talk to me. Tell me what’s been going on.”

Niall rose unsteadily to his feet and pulled open the door to his room before heading back to his bed and shoving his head into his pillow. “Please close and lock the doors in every way possible after you enter. If anyone else hears what I am about to tell you, I will have to kill you.”

Harry did as he was told and moments later Niall felt the man’s weight on the bed. “Can you tell me what’s making you so upset now? I’ve noticed for a while, but I hoped that eventually you would tell us.”

“So… um… I don’t even know how to say this.” He paused for a moment, ordered his thoughts, and opened his mouth again. “I’m in love with Liam. I have been for the past five years. And that stupid song I wrote a week back was about him, and he didn’t even like it.”

Harry’s jaw dropped and he moved to comfort Niall quickly. “Oh, Niall. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I think he does like the song though. He looked really upset after you left. Of course, he went off to call Sophia after that…” Harry watched Niall wince and backtracked. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s okay,” Niall shook his head and blinked back tears. “Part of me being in love with Liam is me facing the fact that he has a girlfriend and is inherently straight. No one is changing that, not even me.”

“He might, though,” Harry insisted. “Movies write about that all the time. It’s called a beard. She could easily just be his best friend.”

“The giggles and kisses I heard on the tour bus a couple of weeks ago pretty much deny that.” Niall’s tone was flat. “Things like that don’t just happen. I won’t just tell Liam that I love him and he decide that he wants to dump Sophia and love me too. He’ll more than likely try to shove me down a flight of stairs, actually.”

Harry gave him a scolding look. “Liam would never ever be that evil and you know it. The worst you would ever get from him is a disapproving look, and even that doesn’t last very long.”

“Harry, have you ever been in love with your best friend?” Niall asked in a somewhat bored tone. “Have you ever loved your best friend so much that it feels like you’re falling apart? That’s what it feels like with Liam. Telling him would actually end me. If he didn’t like me, it would probably kill me. That’s what it’s like being in love with straight as a ruler Liam Payne.”

The younger boy was giving him such a sad look Niall could hardly stand it. Finally he spoke up about it, “Please don’t give me those pity looks. I’ve made it through five years of this, I can make it five more. You know, probably.”

“What if I talked to Liam about it?” Harry asked desperately. “Just to see what he thinks of you. Like I said, he looked really upset when you left earlier. I don’t know why he didn’t go after you.”

“He was too busy calling his girlfriend,” Niall muttered bitterly. “That’s it, Haz. I’m in love with him, he’s in love with a girl. It’s been this way for a while now. I can survive.” He leaned forward and gave his friend a hug anyway. “Can you go now? I really just want to be alone and cry to myself to sleep for a little while.”

Harry nodded all though he looked like he wanted to stay. After releasing Niall from the hug, he gave the boy a quick kiss on the cheek and a comforting look before leaving. Niall was then left to his own devices, and his nightly routine proceeded as normal.

-

The next few days, he spent most of his time avoiding Liam. He spent most of his time in his room or with Harry or Julian. The only time he was basically alone is when Harry was nowhere to be found. These were the moments where Niall most wanted to sink into the ground and avoid Liam’s eyes. He could nearly always feel the older boy’s eyes on him and at any moment he swore he was going to scream.

“Niall?” Liam asked as he approached him after rehearsal one day. “Can you please come back to my room? I’d really really like to talk to you.”

“What do you want to talk to me about?” Niall tried his best to keep the acid out of his tone. He didn’t want to intentionally hurt Liam.

“The song you wrote. How you’ve been acting lately. Everything. Just please come to my room so we can talk. I miss talking to you.” Liam looked so honest and pure that he had a hard time trying not to burst into tears and kiss the hell out of him right then.

“Okay,” Niall whispered. “I’ll meet you there after rehearsal, but don’t plan on getting some deep secret out of me. We both know I don’t have any deep secrets,” he lied through his teeth. Of course Niall had deep secrets. His biggest one was the reason Liam wanted to talk to him. 

After rehearsal, he followed Liam back to his room and shut the door behind him. “So are we going to plan twenty questions now or what?” he asked impatiently. Liam looked stunned at his tone.

“Are you angry with me?” was Liam’s first question. Niall’s heart broke yet again at the thought of the older boy thinking he was upset with him.

“I have nothing to be angry with you about,” he answered simply. “Why would I even be mad?”

“I didn’t like your song,” Liam supplied. “Well, I didn’t then, but then I let the lyrics sink in and I heard the music and I think once it’s recorded it’ll sound really really great.”

“I don’t care if you don’t like my song, Liam.” Lie. “I don’t always like everything you write.” Lie. “It’s not a big deal.” Lie. Niall’s heart broke a bit more.

“Okay, next question then. Why are avoiding me if you aren’t mad? Don’t say you haven’t been; I know you have. You’ve been spending a lot of time with Julian and Harry lately.” Liam’s face steadily grew more concerned and Niall had no clue how he was supposed to answer these questions.

“I’m not avoiding you. I don’t know why you would ever think that.” Lie. “I’ve been really homesick lately.” Not really a lie. Niall was indeed very homesick. “I’m just ready to have some time to myself and my family and I’d really like to sleep in my own bed for once.”

Liam just nodded and looked at the ground to try and think of another question. “Next question. Do you like Sophia? Be honest with me. You avoid me when she’s around and you don’t like talking about her.”

Niall took a deep breath and nodded to himself. He was going to tell Liam the truth. “Honestly? I don’t like her. She’s not good for you, Liam. She’s a liar and she’s a gold digger and she’s manipulating. I don’t even know what you see in her.”

Liam stood up from the bed with an angry look on his face. “How could you say that about her, Niall? Don’t you know I’m happy with her? Why are you trying to ruin the one good thing in my life?”

“The one?” Niall whispered brokenly. “She’s the only good thing? One Direction isn’t a good thing? Your friends aren’t a good thing? I’m not a good thing?” He could almost hear his heart breaking in millions of pieces. Could Liam hear it to?

“No, Niall, that isn’t what I meant!” Liam said frantically. Niall could feel the tears rising to his eyes and he wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t cry right here in front of Liam. “That isn’t what I meant.”

“It’s okay, Liam.” His lips formed into a tight smile. “I understand. Sophia is your number one priority and I’m last, just like I was with Danielle and all your stupid flings in between the two. The least you could have done was remind me of my place.”

Liam’s face changed to a combination of hurt and anger. It was a look Niall never wanted to see on his face again. “Why do you care so much?” he finally yelled. “Why do you think you’re so special in my life anyway? You’re no more special than the rest of the boys!”

Niall’s heart shattered and he couldn’t hold back his words anymore. “Because I love you, you fucking idiot!” he yelled. Tears ran down his face. “I love you so much it kills me. I love you so much I’d rather die. And that stupid song that you didn’t like was for you just like every other song I’ve written. But congratulations, you’ve shattered by heart and now there’s nothing left of me.”

Before Liam could even register the words that just came out of his mouth, Niall was storming out of his room and down the hall to where Paul was staying. He knocked on the door furiously until the man answered.

“I’m going home,” he proclaimed as soon as Paul opened the door. “I don’t want any of the boys to come after me. I don’t want to be bothered. You can just send my things by mail or something because I’m leaving right now.” With those words, Niall turned and marched from the door before Paul could tell him otherwise.

He took the stairs simply because they were faster. His knee twinged at the speed he was going down them, but he paid it no attention. He just wanted to get out of that hotel and take a taxi to his home on the outskirts of London before Liam or one of the others tried to catch him.

-

It had been four days of a wet face and a turned off phone before he had received his clothes and another four before anyone showed up at his house. Thankfully, no one had a key to his home so they were left furiously knocking on the door. He heard shouts from outside that sounded an awful lot like Louis but he still never went to the door. 

Paul showed up on the tenth day to force Niall out to go to rehearsal. He had to practically dress the man and wipe the tears from his eyes before he could go outside. Even then Niall was forced to wear a pair of sunglasses so no one would be able to see the puffy redness that were his eyes. 

Arriving at rehearsal was not something he would have liked to do alone, but he was forced to. Paul had his own job to do so he was forced to face the wrath of the boys.

Harry found him first, but instead of yelling at him, he hugged him tightly. “God, I was worried sick, you asshole,” he muttered in his ear. “Why did you disappear like that? And why didn’t you take me with you? I hate rehearsals.”

Niall gave him a watery smile. “Thanks for caring, Haz. If I don’t die, I’ll plan on telling you why I left so suddenly, I promise.”

He left Harry and walked further into the arena. He was next met with Louis. “Hey, asshole!” the older boy yelled at him. “So you decide to just walk out on me and not even say where you’ve gone? That’s low.” Louis had a disapproving look on his face, and Niall felt bad for disappointing him. 

“I know, Lou,” he said softly. “I’ve got a lot to explain, I guess.”

He didn’t even have to search for Liam. The man had interrupted his conversation with Louis with a small smile. “Can I steal him, Lou? I’ve got a few things to talk about.”

Louis gave a smile to Liam and cast another angry look in Niall’s direction before walking away.

“So?” Niall asked softly. “I figured you wouldn’t have even wanted to see me. I thought that was the end of our friendship.”

“I broke up with Sophia,” Liam said in the same soft tone. “I figured that was what should happen. As for you being in love with me, Niall, I don’t know. I think I can return those feelings.”

“You think?” Niall’s voice broke.

“I-I can.” Liam’s voice was firm. “I will. Can I kiss you?” He was already leaning in as he asked. Niall couldn’t deny Liam of anything, especially this. His nod was small but sure. Liam’s lips touched his.

Niall’s heart was healed again.

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! i know it's been forever since i posted something and i'm incredibly sorry, but if you want to see regular updates out of me, my wattpad niamsmuffin is the place to look! i promise after i finish my story there i'll be putting it up on ao3!


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